For the fathers

Happy Father's Day to my Heavenly Father; my Father who takes care of and raises up children who were fatherless until they realized they had an earthly Father who loves them unconditionally and doesn't abuse, spoil, neglect, hate, or abandon them.

Every year the depth of my upbringing creeps up on me and every year the realization of what a Father I have in God becomes more dear to me. Who loves me like God? No one.

Happy Father's Day to my husband, who is daily pushing himself to be ten times the man his body wants to allow him to be. It is amazing to see how our little boy looks up to him and drinks up the moments he has to play with his Daddy. Truly, it's a dream come true for Nicholas to be around to see his son grow and not be deployed under Obama's reign instead. He might be a different person than before he went to war, but he's still our son's Daddy, and that will never change. Who he is now is all our son has ever known. The realization probably brings great regret, but also I pray it brings comfort, because our son still sees him as his Daddy. "Daddy" is not a name or title I ever gave my father. Not once.

Happy Father's Day to those Dads out there who are in training and/or overseas, who are hoping with all they've got that their kids are safe and happy, missing them tons, and anticipating smeared fingerpaint cards and ugly pressed cookies from their little artists. Little girls are hugging Daddy Dolls and little boys are hugging pictures of their daddies in uniform.

Other kids are trying to be sensitive to those whose Daddies are incarcerated. Thousands are the product of dead-beats, who are struggling to find their identity in a lost world. Pray for these children, and for their mothers and their fathers and legal guardians.

Pray for pastors, who "father" entire congregations and deal with snot-nosed "kids" who think they know the Lord better than their pastor does. Pray for these spiritual father-figures who gently and humbly shepherd their flocks even if they are stubborn and don't want the truth.

Happy Father's Day to the daddies who are gone, but not forgotten. :'( So many hurt.

Happy Father's Day to the fathers who are stellar examples and make other less-desirable fathers jealous unintentionally because they love their wives and encourage their children, devoting their lives to bringing up covenant families who fear the Lord and revere His name in all their work and all their play. You are gems in a ravenous generation, and you need to know how worthy of congratulations you are. You have a massive job, being an example to the lost. Your children look up to you and want to be like you, and your wives want to spend all their time giving you reasons to praise them as they do all they do unto the Lord. You promote and provoke godliness in everyone you spend time with. You are the goal for many, and while you know there is pressure, you keep your focus where it belongs, and when you fall, you're not afraid to ask for help. You have honor, integrity, and most of all, you have love.

Happy Father's Day to the dads who seek no recognition. Your humility amazes me. If I were to compliment you, you'd either hate it, or you'd say you're unworthy. But I hope you continue to seek to be a better father, no matter how much you hate a recognition.

Happy Father's Day to the fathers who have messed up so badly they can't see their kids anymore. Today isn't happy for you, of course, but I hope you see that there are people out there thinking of you and hoping you make better decisions even with the consequences of your actions or situations. Be strong and take courage [in Christ]. It takes courage to admit you're wrong. It takes even more courage to "right" a wrong. Restitution is not a small matter.

No matter where you're at with the Father thing; whether having dealt with miscarriage or struggling with infertility so you're a Daddy to a fur-baby or whatever the case may be, God bless you and keep you, and may you strive to be the best you can be. Look to Jesus and look no further. He will guide you, Man to man.

LGBT things

Ok, a few things:

The LGBT "trend" (yep, I'm using that word!!!) is making it 'cool' for confused girls and boys and men and women to be as openly sexual as possible. It's not about coming out of the closet. It's about exploiting themselves and pawning hormonal weaklings and over-sexing the culture. You can't even search "lesbians" in the FB tab at the top without coming up with basically pornographic images. What self-respecting individual puts them self out there like that? No job will take them seriously, unless their boss is also part of the LGBT community. It's a damn culture of sin. It's a 24/7 orgy. It's not about being secure. It's not about confidence. It's about fitting in to what others say you should do. Peer pressure to deceive themselves. A bunch of demons yelling "come with me! I'll show you how to be a really strong lesbian! Come with me boy. Strip and I'll show you why being gay is fabulous." It's making people money and making their souls burn. It's promoting HIV and AIDS at the expense of our tax dollars and their casual soirees and perverted menage a trois. It's ruining the family and ruining the world. What kind of community seeks its own destruction? What kind of person in their right mind smiles while they rip their own flesh off? That's what this is, essentially. Self-mutilation with sex. A bunch of animals who don't know when to stop perverting themselves. They hunger for unrighteousness.

You know, when I was nothing short of confused and secretive about my own sexuality growing up, you didn't even see heterosexuals with their tops off on day-time tv. Now you can't go on the internet without seeing teenage sex-addicts struttin' their stuff with pounds of makeup on. And what? They want to complain about gang rape and sex trafficking? They want to whine because someone cheated on them even though they have a history of showing them self off and getting drunk with their Nancy boys? They go to the store and wonder why half of them self likes the attention and the other half is scared to death that their stalker is stalking them because they watched their "amateur video that wasn't public" online? Gosh.... people are STUPID! And they will be until God opens their eyes.

And some of you Christians out there need to wise the heck up. Read what Proverbs has to say about adulteresses and temptresses. If you think it's a joke, talk to me. I used to be one before Jesus saved me from eternal damnation. I'll sober you up very fast with my words.

Today's disgusting and desensitized "non-judgmental" community has it backwards. It's not judgement we have too little of. The community at large is missing knowledge of good and evil and they have no fear of God. People still judge! They judge each other. They judge laws, they put their two cents (and 1000 judgments) in their Facebook posts, they gossip, and they then turn a blind eye to all of it. They judge the one who judges with righteous judgment and judge the person who judges correctly, convicting their soul of their sin. They judge who's a better sinner and who has better and worse repercussions of their sin. So with that, do you think I care if I step on toes in this manner? I don't. You don't need to hear about a message of love, lesbians and gays, bisexuals and trannies. You all think you KNOW what love is, so I won't bore you. If it's so loving, why must you have pride parades? Why must you flaunt? Why must you be so provocative? And why must I watch it? Why must you cause others to stumble? Why must you be the devil's pawn? You think you're so liberated but you're a slave to your sin and you LIKE it. You have PRIDE in what you do. You don't struggle in it anymore. You don't struggle in finding ways to be comfortable about your sin. You make talk shows and parades and songs and t-shirts and movies and food and stores about it. You tell your friends you're so proud of it. You're so proud of them doing something unnatural. You're so proud of encouraging them to encourage others to perform sexual acts that devastate the natural order of things and promote the extinction of us all. Pride pride pride pride. Happy happy pride. Pride of lust, lack of self-control, zero discernment, a lack of wise judgment, zero respect for your own bodies and minds, and no filter. Where's the Lord of Hosts in all that?

It's alright if I've pissed you off. It's really okay, you know? I'm not tolerant of any sin. And I don't need to be, either. I know where I stand and I don't have to agree with you, nor you I. I'm of the belief that millions share, and millions are being silenced and guilted into thinking that man and woman, that old way of creating life... no no, the ONLY way of creating life, is not as worthy of speaking about as this lovely sin you flaunt. The wrath of God will come upon those who do not repent. I don't care how attached to your sin you are. Heck, you may struggle in fighting against your sin your whole life. Why fight so much, right? You've spent most of your life fighting who you really are. Well, congratulations. You've come out of the closet. Now you can boast in your wickedness, wicked people can applaud your wickedness, you can pray for your parents to be supporting and proud of your wickedness, and you can have fun feeding an addiction that will never fully satisfy you because it was *made* NOT TO satisfy you. Sin will never satisfy.

Who satisfies? God. And that's right. All LGBT hell just broke loose and I'll be called a hater and a bitch and an old fart and a traitor for having left my former lifestyle almost ten years ago. Ten years ago this month, actually! You are in sin. You will perish unless you repent and have faith in Jesus to save your soul. You WILL perish unless you repent and believe. That's a promise. And for some of you who secretly watch lesbians get it on because you think it's so hot, this is a rude reminder for you: Put your hormones back in the box, confess your disgusting sin to God, and do something holy with yourself. Present yourself to the Lord as an acceptable and pleasing sacrifice. What sacrifice is there in reviling and aching for sin? None. Abstain. Flee from temptation. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. No excuses.

The Lord is whom I fear. What can man or woman do to me?

Secondary PTSD -- how it's shown up in my life

I haven't been vocal about it. I just know it's there and it has been for years. Others have mentioned it to me, too. It's obvious to other caregivers who are clued into it. Counseling for me is coming soon. I know I'm on a wait list at the Vet Center. Thank God for that. My jaw is tight as I write this. I'm elaborating on anxiety because that's the biggest issue for me lately.

I have a lot anxiety because of flashbacks of my husband's anger and the destruction it has been known to cause, intense ongoing financial stresses due to the VA, the Department of Social Security, and the Department of Defense, and needs not being met. Certain mannerisms of my husband, who I still believe is my better half, will remind me of when things were really bad with him/us and I will shut down completely and fight the urge to sob, minimize things, place blame, or demean him although I don't want to. I catch myself sometimes and think "How did that even come out of your mouth? Who are you? This isn't who you are. Knock it off." I try to redirect my mind onto something pleasant, reconcile, count, recite Bible verses, sing loud enough to forget what I'm doing, and replace what's painful with what's enjoyable about him and tell myself that if I can be more calm by leaning on Christ and get him to voice his concerns and learn to voice my own, I'll be better off and so will he. And this is absolutely true. It's a growing process and a hard one. I'm so tested every day. No one reading this knows the extent of it. I don't share it. The burden is real. And yet I own it and it's mine and I'm committed to walking it out so long as I need to.

I get anxious when I am driving as I stress about what might make my husband snap. He doesn't do well as a passenger in vehicles because he was a passenger when his Humvee went over the IEDs. He doesn't like not being in control, and I don't like having to take control of something he can't control anymore. But that's what we have to do as caregivers: Assist in making sure needs are being met safely and as enjoyably as possible.

Anxiety shows  up whenever I talk to a man, no matter how well my husband and I know him. There are so few individuals that he trusts, that I have almost been convinced in my mind that I will fail him no matter what if I talk to someone. This isn't healthy and this isn't to be a current issue, except when the past is regurgitated as if it just happened a moment ago. Flashbacks are just that. Rehashing what happened and reliving it as if it's current. I am deathly afraid of failing my husband, and equally afraid that he won't allow himself to get past his contempt and bitterness toward the past. I'm afraid I'll always have this anxiety because he'll never learn to loosen up. These are things I daily take to God. The mind is a mine field and I must be careful where I stand.

Anxiety shows up when it's not welcome and sometimes I have panic attacks as a result and it feels like the walls are caving in... in public. Other times I just cry. Sometimes I start shaking. This has been happening frequently lately. I don't tell anyone. I try to keep my hands occupied so no one notices but I get a glazed look in my eyes and I space out sometimes and that's when my husband knows to ask if I'm ok. He knows I'm not. (I do have a solution...this is just the cause.)

I have my good days and my bad days. On my really bad days I douse myself in lavender essential oil because it literally puts me in almost a comatose state where I am not anxious and can't be if I want to be. It calms me like few things can. Some say one or two drops. I use four to six and I put them all over me. Seriously. I might go get some before bed tonight. I hate writing this stuff down.

The following is a list from a book that I've blogged about before: When War Comes Home: Christ-centered Healing for Combat Wives. I'm just going to go down the list here and underline (for my own benefit) what symptoms I have had or currently have. It will probably help me when counseling starts up soon. 

Secondary Traumatic Stress 

(Spousal Combat Trauma) 

Cognitive Symptoms

Diminished concentration

Confusion, spaciness

Forgotten appointments

Chronic lateness

Loss of meaning

Decreased self-esteem

Preoccupation with trauma

Nightmares

Flashbacks, intrusive imagery

Powerlessness

Anxiety

Guilt, shame

Anger, rage, irritability

Survivor guilt

Shutting down

Numbness

Fearfulness, dread, horror

Helplessness

Apathy

Rigid, uncompromising

Disorientation

Thoughts of self-harm 

(Well, kind of. I have never wanted to hurt myself but I have asked God to kill me a few times.)

Thoughts of harming others

Self-doubt

Perfectionism

Minimization

Emotional Symptoms

Sadness, depression

Feeling worthless

Hypersensitivity

Emotional roller coaster

Overwhelmed

Depleted

Bottled up emotions

Behavioral Symptoms

Clingy

Impatient

Irritable, moody

Withdrawn

Regression

Sleep disturbances

Appetite changes

Nightmares

Hypervigilance

Elevated startle response

Substance abuse (drugs, alcohol, tobacco)

Accident-prone

Losing/forgetting things

Self-harm behaviors

Compulsiveness (eating, gambling, sex, spending, workaholism,
self-mutilation, excessive tattooing or piecing, thrill-seeking, etc)

Physical Symptoms

Shock

Sweating

Rapid heartbeat

Breathing difficulties

Aches and pains

Gastrointestinal distress

Dizziness

Impaired immune system

Poor self-care (hygiene, appearance)

Interpersonal Symptoms

Withdrawn

Feeling vulnerable, unsafe

Decreased interest in intimacy, sex

Mistrust, suspicious of others

Isolation from friends

Need to control others

Loss of personal control and freedom

Changes in parenting (overprotective, abusive, critical, disinterested, etc)

Projection of anger or blame

Verbally or physically combative

Intolerance

Loneliness

Spiritual Symptoms

Doubt concerning one's values or beliefs

Feeling angry or bitter toward God

Feeling far from God, unloved, abandoned

Feeling God is unresponsive or unconcerned

Feeling God is punishing me

Pervasive hopelessness; weak or no faith (not lately, however)

Questioning the meaning of life

Neglecting spiritual disciplines (like prayer, Bible study, fellowship, etc)

Gosh, that's a lot of underlining. *wide eyes* Well, that's as real as it gets, guys. I'm honest to a fault. I hope some of you know you're not alone. Believe me... a lot more spouses deal with this than they're willing to talk about. Consider this my veil being lifted. If you think PTSD won't affect you or doesn't, you've got another thing coming.

But there's this:

Psalm 121

English Standard Version (ESV)

My Help Comes from the Lord

A Song of Ascents.

1 I lift up my eyes to the hills.

From where does my help come?

2 My help comes from the Lord,

who made heaven and earth.

3 He will not let your foot be moved;

he who keeps you will not slumber.

4 Behold, he who keeps Israel

will neither slumber nor sleep.

5 The Lord is your keeper;

the Lord is your shade on your right hand.

6 The sun shall not strike you by day,

nor the moon by night.

7 The Lord will keep you from all evil;

he will keep your life.

8 The Lord will keep

your going out and your coming in

from this time forth and forevermore.

Our church is really good and is there for us, especially the military ministry, we have some extremely supportive friends, we have a good marriage counselor, and my husband is realizing that his problems (that were not his fault!!!!!!) were put onto me because of their symptoms. Comprehending that and working through is it major. I am now to the point (6 years -almost- into our marriage) where I can get some support for everything I've put up with and dealt with. I am praising God for this, no matter what it takes to get me where I can be/need to be/want to be, especially for our marriage, but also for our child and future children.

I am not giving up. (I think I say this a lot on my blog. No apologies. I'm allowed to pep-talk myself.) God is with us.

By the way, none of this makes me incapable of being a caregiver. I'm still doing everything else I need to. My son has been taught how to read (by me), my husband is getting appointments he's needed for years, we are going through counseling together, and I'm committed to cooking and cleaning and doing the rest of what needs doing. I'm focusing on photography, have become the resident photographer for the service dog organization that my husband received his dog through (and I'll post some new pictures of all that soon), and I've been busy with church things. It's simply time for me to be real about what I battle in my mind and why I'm so hard-pressed about true faith in Christ. Don't think for a second that I'd still be "here" if it wasn't for Jesus.

"Believers in Jesus, listen up. The only shot Satan has at taking glory from God is by destroying your life. Don't give him any room by which to do it. Flee from temptation. Draw near to God and He will draw near to you. Stay in the Word. When you get to a point of weakness, Satan WILL push you into sin in it. Don't underestimate the importance of knowing your weaknesses and limitations."

^ Wise advice from a sermon our pastor preached a couple Sundays ago. I went through my notes.

I believe I can fly -song

Just a clip I thought I'd post here. I found out I can sing karaoke songs for free on my cell and share them on the web, so here's one I like. I hope you like it, too.

http://www.smule.com/p/83810999_7532154